Tastes like ass!

Nope, you didn’t almost spit that crap out because I said something sarcastic and funny.  You spit that overpriced, bottle of what you call water out because it tastes like ass!  So, you walk into Starbucks and I don’t know what you are trying to prove.  Maybe you are saving calories or maybe you are just trying to see my quizzical expression but out of nowhere my husband decides to buy some Pelligrino/Perrier carbonated high class water bullshit.  Seriously?!  Who are you and what planet did you just descend from?  As not to belittle him in public I wait until we get in the car to question this new desire to buy expensive water.  I start getting what I think might be a valid explanation considering I tried this same move on him when we attempted the Whole 30 diet but I am saving this information in my back pocket in case I need it.  Of course, we go downhill real fast!!  Well….seems that the men in his life, you know, the higher ups, the boss, the head of the state, they seem to like this carbonated water bullshit that comes in tinted glass bottles with fancy foreign names.  Guess that is why we are drinking it now.  Maybe it will make me feel powerful.  Ok, let me drink your Kool-Aid and take a sip.  OMG!  Tastes like ass….literally ass!  You may as well call me Mr. Ed and just put a salt lick in my mouth.  The President must drink it too because I’m sure they put the bottles under his ass and fill them with the leakings of sweat that drip down directly from his anal cavity and put that shit on the shelves at the end of the White House tour.  Pu-leeeeease.  I will stay basic and order a mocha-choca-bullshit with my 13 year old as long as I don’t have to drink that ever again!  BTW…..I was the hottie before snotty and ordered you a whole case of St. Croix which is that same crap but came in 4 different flavors.  Sadly, it was disguised in an aluminum can so your groupies would’ve thought your were slummin.  Guess that is why the Saint ended up in the landfill and the French and the Italian get a cozy place in your cup holder.